Here at Camp Kaiju, we pride our ability to review the good, the bad and the downright campy. Last week we presented THE BEST Monster Movies I had seen in 2023; now, however, it is time to pay the piper. Here are the worst monster movies I watched in 2023, with a very important disclaimer: these films are not “so-bad-they’re-good”. Such movies like Troll 2, Plan 9 from Outer Space, or The Mole People are obviously “bad” yet somehow retain a goofy charm; they’re endurable. No, the following list is comprised of movies that are entirely not worth your time, either because they’re boring, offensive, or a combination of both. Please watch anything other than what I now present you.
By Vincent S. Hannam
Army of the Dead (2021)
dir. Zack Snyder; USA
Zack Snyder turns from the D.C. Cinematic Universe to his zombie roots, but is unable to remix the secret sauce behind his well-received Dawn of the Dead (2004); he is credited as the director, cinematographer, story writer, and co-screenwriter. Perhaps it’s all too much for one man? The movie lacks cohesive direction as it meanders through plot points and action set pieces; and the story is vastly more uncomplicated than its 148 minute runtime suggests. It’s simply too many hours to watch mindless people kill mindless zombies.
Real Steel (2011)
dir. Shawn Levy; USA
Real Steel presents itself in the model of Ryan Coogler’s Creed, but suffers from a screenplay closer to Rocky IV without the charm. Hugh Jackman plays a down-and-out fighter who commands a boxing robot, while trying to maintain a relationship with his estranged son. It should be entertaining and sincere, but suffers from dialogue and relationships that make zero sense; it’s all too unsubtle, contrived, and cliché. I know it, you know it, the actors know it. And they do their best, but not even Hugh Jackman can save a movie when the direction and writing are so terribly out-of-sync.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
dir. Tim Burton; USA
Similar to Real Steel, Tim Burton’s take on Pierre Boulle’s Planet of the Apes suffers from scriptwriting that takes the viewer’s suspension-of-disbelief for granted. Yes, I will believe Captain Davidson (Mark Wahlberg) has crash landed on a planet populated by advanced apes; no, I will not believe this all started because Captain Davidson risked his life, crew, and mission for one star-trekking chimp. Unless the film gives me a truly compelling reason for this (and so many other subplots), I stand by my reasoning that such decisions simply aren’t made my competent professionals – human or ape! Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), the liberal chimpanzee scientist, suffers from the same inexplicable decision-making; she also suffers from a love triangle so poorly executed, it must be seen to be believed. But why bother? Please just watch the 1968 masterpiece instead.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
dir. Rob Hedden; USA
The Friday the 13th franchise is not what you might call “prestige” filmmaking; however, the series offers a surprisingly decent array of camp, thrills, and hilarity. Therefore, with expectations so low, and a title so long, how does Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Take Manhattan fail so miserably? Because this is not Jason in Manhattan. This is Jason on a boat, Jason in some dark alleys, and finally Jason in Times Square for ten minutes. The promised NYC mayhem is disappointing and overall, the kills are the most uninspired (and mildest) yet in the series; for one of the great monsters of cinema, it’s all too boring to endure.
One Million Years B.C. (1966)
dir. Don Chaffey; USA
This movie sports impressive stop-motion effects from the indelible Ray Harryhausen and Raquel Welch in her iconic loincloth bikini. But that’s all this caveman-dinosaur flick has going for it. You’ll be hard pressed to keep your eyes open as you follow the meandering story of prehistoric peoples doing… prehistoric things? I don’t know, much of the dialogue is unintelligible grunting and ranting; perhaps a creative choice, but one that damns this movie to the depths of unwatchability.
The Hands of Orlac (1924)
dir. Robert Wiene; Austria
The first screen adaptation of Maurice Renard’s body-horror novella, the film examines the mental deterioration of a famed pianist named Stephen Orlac (Conrad Veidt) after his amputated hands are replaced with those of a killer. The story itself has been adapted many times, including 1935’s Mad Love with Peter Lorre. Wiene’s take on the material, however, falls squarely within the German Expressionist era of the 1920s and Wiene’s previous horror film, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, is a seminal work in the canon. As with Caligari, Wiene makes extensive use of Expressionistic techniques to illuminate the mental breakdown of Orlac; however, this time the direction languishes in the abstract to the point of tedium. With a story about killer hands with minds of their own, you’d think there would be more action than there is; unfortunately, this silent movie doesn’t stand the test of time.
Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968)
dir. Peter Bogdanovich; USA/USSR
This film is more of a curiosity than anything; it is actually a reworking of a Soviet movie called Planeta Bur, directed by Pavel Klushantsev, about a team of cosmonauts who run into dinosaurs on Venus. That film was dubbed into English and released in 1962 as Planet of Storms by producer Roger Corman. Six years later, Corman approached Peter Bogdanovich to shoot additional footage “with girls” for another release, this time dubbed Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women. While technically the first movie from Bogdanovich (The Last Picture Show, Paper Moon, Targets, et al.), you wouldn’t know it. This is still 90% Planet of Storms without any of Bogdanovich’s panache for storytelling; you’re therefore left with a would-be adventure story featuring listless pacing and laughable special effects.
It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)
dir. Edward L. Cahn; USA
This movie is the longest 69 minutes endured by this reviewer. You may have heard that It! The Terror from Beyond Space inspired Ridley Scott’s iconic Alien; it is a tantalizing connection and the kind that monster movie lovers latch onto, when an acclaimed filmmaker takes b-movie material seriously. If there is truth to the Alien connection, then it is only because both feature a monstrous creature hunting the crew of a spaceship. Otherwise, It! offers zero sense of terror from either the direction or the performers. Each actor delivers their lines as if they are ordering lunch from Chipotle. If anything, you will come away with new appreciation for the tight-knit ensemble of a movie like Alien, or even Howard Hawks’ The Thing from Another World.
Robot Wars (1993)
dir. Albert Band; USA
Essentially a low budget, made-for-TV movie that is unable to deliver on its high-concept premise about a post-apocalyptic future where mechs are used as both shuttle busses and weapons of war. Everything about the production design is low grade, from the backlot martial arts to the cartoony computer effects. Not to mention the bland performers and humdrum script. Such limitations can sometimes yield creative results; but alas, despite the potential, Robot Wars cannot overcome its constraints. It remains entirely forgettable and you’re better off watching Robot Jox again.
King Dinosaur (1955)
dir. Bert I. Gordon; USA
Bert I. Gordon made a reputation for himself as a director of b-movie creature features, so much so that he earned the nickname Mr. B.I.G.; noted credits include The Amazing Colossal Man, The Food of the Gods, and Empire of the Ants. King Dinosaur marked his directorial debut and perhaps, his most ignominious. The movie concerns a team of astronauts who explore a new planet that has appeared near the sun; they soon encounter dinosaurs and manage to escape after nuking the planet into oblivion. Not only is the story seemingly pro-nuke, but the dinosaurs are brought to life as “slurpasaurs“, the cheapest (laziest?) special effect of the time where real animals are dressed up to look like extinct ones; like an iguana in horns to depict a triceratops. It’s a cute idea until you realize animals were indeed harmed in the making of this picture. The triceratops-iguana is pitted against a T-rex-alligator in a genuine fight for survival and King Dinosaur turns from a bad movie into an entirely amoral one.
Don’t miss the next review – enter your email here!
Camp Kaiju 